During the preschool years, tantrums are a normal part of life. Kids throw dishes or grab each other’s toys because they don’t have the vocabulary or social skills to express what they’re feeling and needing.

These outbursts give parents an opportunity to teach children how to express and regulate their emotions. They can also be signs of stress. Psychological research shows children may act out if a family member is sick, for example, or if parents are getting a divorce.

Anger and aggression are normal, but parents need to respond.

“This is a critical time to address children’s anger and self-control to ensure healthy development and to help them succeed later in life,” said Kenneth Dodge, PhD, a professor of psychology and neuroscience at Duke University who studies the development and prevention of aggressive behaviors.

If left untreated, behavioral problems in childhood can make it harder for kids to succeed in school and increase their risk for mental health problems, physical illness, and substance misuse later in life.

Fortunately, there are proven ways to help. Multiple approaches, including the Family Check-Up program and the Incredible Years series, have been shown to improve emotion regulation, reduce behavior problems, and boost performance at school through many randomized controlled trials. The following guidance is rooted in the same evidence on behavior and development that makes these programs effective.

[Related: How to help kids understand and manage their emotions]

Here’s advice from psychologists on how to help kids cope with anger and frustration:

Teach children how to calm down

Young children often throw tantrums because they want something but don’t know how to get it. Try holding your child’s hands and taking deep breaths together. Tell your child: “You’re feeling a little angry right now and so am I. Let’s both take some deep breaths to help us calm down, so we can figure out what’s going on.”

In addition to deep breaths, parents can teach other emotion regulation strategies, said clinical psychologist Carolyn Webster-Stratton, PhD, who developed the Incredible Years series. She recommends:

• Offering helpful phrases kids can say to themselves when they’re feeling frustrated: “I can do it. I can stay calm and patient.”
• Using positive imagery, such as a picture book where kids draw pictures of places where they feel calm, happy, and loved.
• Incorporating visual aids, such as a thermometer, where kids can lower their emotional “temperature” from red to blue.

Help kids learn words for their emotions

When children learn to notice and explain how they feel, they can use words to convey frustration instead of angry behaviors. Parents can teach emotional words—patient, calm, happy, frustrated, angry, sad—and help kids link each term to the physical sensations that accompany the emotion, said Mark Greenberg, PhD, an emeritus professor of human development and psychology at Penn State University.

Then, speak up when you notice your child experiencing each emotion, including validating and celebrating comfortable emotions: “You’re really patient and calm. That’s hard work, but I can see that you keep trying.”

Deliver and explain consequences

When a child misbehaves, it’s important to deliver consistent consequences, coupled with an explanation, so the child learns that there’s a relationship between their behavior and the response.

For example, a parent might send a child to their room for 15 minutes or revoke a specific privilege, such as an hour of TV time. Explain the reason for the consequence: “I’m giving you 15 minutes of time-out because you threw the plate at the wall.”

Avoid these common mistakes

Responses to misbehavior should be moderate and consistent. If a child gets time-out sometimes, but not others, they won’t learn that aggressive behavior leads to consequences. Avoid overreacting with harsh, severe discipline, which can harm a child’s mental health and development.

Know when to seek professional help

Keep in mind that occasional outbursts are normal among preschool-aged children. If aggressive behavior persists, parents can seek counsel from a mental health center or evidence-based parent training program to learn more about the distinction between normal behavior and a pattern that could be problematic.

[Related: Kids’ mental health is in crisis. Here’s what psychologists are doing to help]

Parent training programs can also improve social-emotional skills, strengthen relationships, and help with setting and enforcing rules. For example:

• Family Check-Up is a brief program that teaches parents how to set limits and respond to difficult behaviors in young children.
• Incredible Years is a series of programs for children, parents, and educators that teaches a combination of social, emotional, language, and persistence skills.

It can also help to consider the context of the behavior. Could it be a response to a background stressor, such as a divorce or the death of a grandparent? Is the behavior happening solely at home or solely at school? If behavior occurs across contexts and continues for more than a few weeks, parents may want to seek support from a therapist.